Agreeing to understand — not agreeing to disagree
The goal of a hard conversation isn't to win it, or to politely park it. It's to understand why the other person sees the world the way they do.
Agreeing to understand means staying in a conversation long enough to grasp why someone believes what they believe — not just what they believe. It's the opposite of “agreeing to disagree”, which usually means we've stopped listening. You don't have to end up agreeing. You do have to end up understanding.
“Agree to disagree” is where conversations go to die
We reach for “let's agree to disagree” when a conversation gets uncomfortable. It sounds gracious, but most of the time it's a polite exit — we park the difference, walk away no closer, and quietly file the other person under “wrong”. Nothing has been understood. Nothing has changed. We've just agreed to stop trying.
Understand the why, not just the what
What we tend to spend a lot of time doing is focusing on the outcome — “I think this, and you think that.” We butt heads over conclusions. The shift is to step back and ask why: why do I think this, why does it matter to me, and why does the other person hold a different view? Don't just focus on the outcome — think about the why, and why it matters. Understand what their belief system is and where it's come from.
Because beliefs come from somewhere. Someone's background, their faith, their ethnicity, their gender identity, their sexuality, their lived experience — all of it shapes the perspective they bring to a conversation. Once you understand the where-from, the conversation changes completely.
Understanding isn't the same as agreeing
This is the part people miss. Agreeing to understand doesn't mean abandoning your own view, and it doesn't mean every view is equally valid. You can understand someone completely and still hold a different position. But understanding lowers the temperature, builds trust and keeps the relationship intact — which is precisely what lets you disagree well, and keep talking.
How to do it in practice
- Lead with a question, not a counter-argument. “What makes you see it that way?” opens a door; “well, actually…” closes one.
- Listen for the why, not the gap. You're not gathering ammunition — you're trying to find where the belief came from.
- Separate the person from the position. You can challenge an idea while still respecting the human holding it.
- Hold your own view with an open hand. Strong opinions, weakly held — be ready to be changed.
Why this matters for inclusion and leadership
Inclusion lives or dies in these moments. When we only trade conclusions, difference becomes a threat; when we get curious about the why, difference becomes information. It's an emotional intelligence practice, and it's the human engine behind E+R=O — change your perspective on the encounter and you change the outcome. For leaders, modelling “agree to understand” is how you build a culture where people feel safe to bring a different view at all.
Take it further
Pair this with E+R=O — and why the “+” is perspective and strong opinions, weakly held, or browse all guides. Hear these ideas in conversation on the Inclusion Bites podcast.
Bring better conversations into your organisation
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Book a discovery callFrequently asked questions
What does “agree to understand, not agree to disagree” mean?
"Agree to disagree" usually means we've stopped listening — we've parked the difference and walked away no closer. "Agree to understand" is the opposite: we stay in the conversation long enough to grasp why the other person sees it the way they do. You don't have to end up agreeing. You do have to end up understanding.
How do you understand why someone believes something?
Get curious about the why rather than arguing the what. Ask what sits behind their view — their background, faith, ethnicity, gender identity, lived experience, even something as ordinary as the room they grew up in. People's beliefs come from somewhere. When you understand where a belief has come from, you can have a far more productive conversation than when you only trade conclusions.
Isn't understanding the same as agreeing?
No — and that's the point. You can understand someone completely and still hold a different view. Understanding lowers the temperature, builds trust and keeps the relationship intact, which is exactly what makes it possible to disagree well. Agreement is optional; understanding is what moves things forward.