Building Bridges In A Biased World

Joanne Lockwood speaks with engineer and energy-industry leader Sonia Pérez about what it means to navigate a biased world while holding multiple, sometimes competing identities. Sonia reflects on her experience as a woman in a male-dominated sector, including the everyday pressure to “fit in,” the impact of sexist jokes and expectations, and the coping strategies she developed—such as downplaying her capability—to avoid pushback.

A key thread is Sonia’s journey into understanding neurodiversity. Prompted by her daughter’s traits and early assessments, Sonia sought her own answers and was diagnosed with ADHD and giftedness. She describes the emotional impact of recognising a lifetime of masking, how neurodivergence can shape focus, motivation, and authority sensitivity, and why psychological safety matters when people are expected to constantly adapt.

The conversation also covers wellbeing and mental health, including Sonia’s reflections on eating and binge patterns, links she has researched between neurodivergence and eating disorders, and the role of belonging and isolation. Throughout, both Joanne and Sonia underline the importance of “finding your village”—supportive networks and communities at work and beyond—and the need for continued culture change so people can take up space, be themselves, and thrive.

One-sentence summary

Sonia Perez is learning to stop shrinking herself to survive and instead build a world where her daughter — and others like her — never have to.

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Synopsis

Sonia Perez is an engineer who has spent much of her life as “the only woman in the room”, quietly calculating not just technical risks but social ones. Spanish, working in the UK energy industry, she learned early how to blend in — laugh at the jokes, soften her voice, ask questions she already knew the answer to — because confidence in a woman could be mistaken for arrogance. For years, she didn’t even recognise she was masking. It wasn’t until her young daughter began showing signs of neurodivergence that Sonia started pulling at the thread. A late diagnosis of ADHD and giftedness didn’t break her — it broke open a lifetime of misunderstandings. “I always thought I wasn't that smart,” she admits, despite two master’s degrees and a career in engineering.

What she is trying to change isn’t abstract policy. It’s the quiet, cumulative harm of never quite belonging. The exhaustion of performing. The loneliness of being capable yet doubting yourself. She wants workplaces — and families — where difference isn’t something to manage in private but something understood in daylight. She is building “a village”, not just for herself but for her daughter: networks of people who remind you who you are when the world makes you forget. Her fight is not loud. It is steady. It is about making space — and taking it.

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10 Small, digestible concepts for easy learning

1. Masking is a survival skill — but it comes at a cost.

Fitting in can help you succeed, but it can also slowly disconnect you from yourself.

2. Confidence in women is often misread as arrogance.

The same behaviour is rewarded in some and punished in others.

3. Gifted doesn’t mean effortless.

You can achieve highly and still grow up believing you’re not smart enough.

4. Belonging isn’t about having people around you — it’s about being fully seen.

5. Neurodivergence in women is often overlooked.

Many adapt so well that no one realises how much effort it takes.

6. Hyperfocus is powerful — and double-edged.

It fuels achievement but can disconnect you from your body and limits.

7. Build your village before you need it.

Support networks don’t appear overnight — they are grown through kindness and mutual respect.

8. You can have everything — just not all at once.

Life is long, and seasons change.

9. Delegating isn’t weakness; it’s wisdom.

You don’t need to fill every gap — you need people who complement you.

10. Progress isn’t perfect — but conversation is movement.

Talking openly about what was once hidden is itself change.

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The “why” in the story

What she believes is true about people

That everyone has strengths and gaps — and dignity depends on being allowed to bring both.

What she cannot unsee

How many years she spent believing she was “not smart enough”, when in fact she was bored, underserved, and masking.

What she is no longer willing to tolerate

Shrinking, pretending, or accepting systems that reward sameness and quietly sideline difference.

What she is trying to build instead

Villages — at work and at home — where people can “take space” without apology.

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Narrative structure

1. The trigger:

Becoming a mother. Watching her three-year-old talk about death and loss with startling depth. Realising her daughter’s processing differences might be neurodivergence. Hearing the word “genetic” — and wondering if it meant her too.

2. The tension:

A career where she learned to “play dumb” to avoid backlash. A brain that craved challenge but struggled with detail. A body that bore the marks of bingeing, restriction, and years of trying to control what felt uncontrollable. A quiet fear of being reduced to a label.

3. The insight:

Her tears after diagnosis weren’t grief — they were recognition. So much of what she thought were personal failings were simply differences. “I’m still learning who I am,” she says, and there is relief in that.

4. The pivot:

Less masking. More openness. Chairing women’s and neurodivergent groups. Speaking publicly. Advising her daughter to build a village and “take your space”.

5. The destination:

A world where her daughter doesn’t confuse brilliance with not being “smart enough”. Where work doesn’t require performance. Where belonging feels solid, not conditional.

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Five key takeaways and learning points

1. If you’ve always felt slightly out of step, it might not be incompetence — it might be wiring.

The “so what”: self-compassion changes everything.

2. You don’t rise alone.

The “so what”: cultivate relationships where you can drop the act.

3. Strengths and struggles are often intertwined.

The “so what”: the same intensity that fuels success can also drive burnout.

4. Silence protects systems, not people.

The “so what”: speaking increases the chance that someone else feels less alone.

5. Family and fulfilment are seasons, not opposites.

The “so what”: release the myth that you must perfect everything at once.

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Ten distinct ideas explained

1. Playing small as strategy

Sonia describes intentionally softening her expertise to avoid threatening colleagues. The system remains comfortable; she carries the cost.

2. The lost generation of undiagnosed women

Many girls who were calm, high-achieving and internally chaotic were missed. The emotional residue remains decades later.

3. Giftedness and doubt can coexist

High achievement does not immunise against imposter feelings — especially when feedback has been inconsistent.

4. The body keeps score

Bingeing, restriction and food obsessions can be ways of coping with isolation and overwhelm.

5. Hyperfocus and hunger

When your brain locks in, your body gets ignored. Needs become emergencies.

6. Intersection without drama

Sonia doesn’t centre her nationality, yet she notes the quiet ways difference can make you interchangeable or stereotyped.

7. Leadership as care

What she loved most about leadership wasn’t authority — it was helping others grow.

8. Choice is often constrained

Women may choose family; men may feel forced into work. Both are shaped by expectation.

9. Village as resistance

Community is not soft — it is protective infrastructure.

10. Late clarity is still clarity

Realising who you are in midlife isn’t failure; it’s freedom.

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How people should change as a result

1. Think

• Consider that high performance can hide exhaustion.
• Question whether confidence feels different depending on who expresses it.
• See “inconsistency” not as irresponsibility but as wiring.
• Remember that progress is generational — you may be building something you won’t fully benefit from.

2. Feel

• Move from judgement to curiosity about difference.
• Replace guilt about past coping strategies with compassion.
• Shift from defensiveness to openness when someone says they struggle.
• Feel hope that change, though slow, is real.

3. Act

• Create or join a small support circle — your own village.
• If you lead, consciously notice whose ideas get labelled “confident” versus “arrogant”.
• Set reminders for basic needs — eating, resting, pausing — especially in hyperfocus.
• Ask colleagues how they prefer to work and process information.
• Share one honest story about your own challenge; model openness.
• Give explicit encouragement to someone who underestimates themselves.
• Make space in meetings for quieter voices to speak without interruption.

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One thing to remember

No one should have to play smaller than they are just to belong.