Domestic Abuse Must Not Be Tolerated

Joanne Lockwood is joined by Andrew Pain to discuss why domestic abuse must not be tolerated, drawing on Andrew’s experience as a long-term victim in a former marriage and his subsequent campaigning work.

They explore how domestic abuse can affect people of all genders and can include more than physical violence, including coercive control, economic abuse and gaslighting. Andrew explains gaslighting and shares an example of how it can make someone doubt their own judgement, and they discuss how fear, stigma and under-reporting can prevent men from speaking out.

The conversation also covers recognising escalation, the importance of boundaries, and practical language like “stop” and “enough” as early boundary-setting tools for children and adults. They reflect on the challenges of polarised public narratives and the need for respectful, centrist dialogue so that all victims can access support and society can move toward greater equality.

One-sentence summary

Andrew Pain speaks not from theory but from survival — determined that no one, man or woman, should have to suffer domestic abuse in silence or shame.

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Synopsis

Andrew Pain is a father, a speaker, and above all, a survivor. He spent 18 years in a marriage marked by manipulation, emotional volatility and fear — a reality that didn’t fit the stereotype. He is candid about the gradual erosion of self: the lying to keep the peace, the constant scanning for triggers, the quiet panic over breaking a wine glass. He describes becoming a “chronic worrier” and an “obsessive planner”, not because he lacked resilience, but because he was trying to protect his children and preserve stability in a home that felt like an emotional rollercoaster. For Andrew, abuse was not always shouting — it was gaslighting, coercion, and the slow distortion of reality.

What drives him now is not anger, but fairness. He is deeply protective of women and girls — as a father of daughters — yet equally protective of men and boys who are suffering without a voice. He refuses to let domestic abuse remain framed in a way that leaves one in three victims unnamed. Andrew isn’t trying to win a gender debate. He is trying to build a world where “all victims of domestic abuse have support and can talk openly and freely about their experiences” — and where boys grow up knowing their “stop” and “enough” will be respected, just as they must respect others.

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10 Small, digestible concepts for easy learning

1. Abuse doesn’t follow stereotypes.

The person who looks strong can still be terrified at home.

2. Gaslighting rewrites your reality.

It makes you question your sanity until you believe you are the problem.

3. Silence grows in shame.

When men feel they won’t be believed, they stop speaking.

4. Emotional abuse leaves invisible scars.

Just because it doesn’t bruise the skin doesn’t mean it doesn’t break someone.

5. Boundaries are not walls — they are guides.

They tell you what is acceptable before harm becomes normal.

6. “Stop” and “enough” are complete sentences.

Teaching children to say and respect them can change lives.

7. Niceness without boundaries becomes self-erasure.

Wanting to help someone is not the same as being responsible for fixing them.

8. Rollercoasters create dependency.

Abusers often alternate between chaos and vulnerability to keep control.

9. Statistics don’t negate stories.

Supporting one group should never mean ignoring another.

10. Equality should not feel like accusation.

Inclusion fails when it leaves new people behind.

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The “why” in the story

What they believe is true about people

Andrew believes most people want connection, dignity and safety. He believes boys and girls both deserve respect — and both can be victims or perpetrators.

What they cannot unsee

He cannot unsee how easily reality can be distorted inside an abusive relationship — or how quickly society dismisses male pain.

What they are no longer willing to tolerate

He is no longer willing to tolerate narratives that silence one-third of victims. Nor is he willing to let boys grow up feeling inherently suspect.

What they are trying to build instead

A shared space where men and women confront abuse together — without competition, without vilification, without denial.

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Narrative structure

1. The trigger

Eighteen years inside an abusive marriage — and the shock of recognition when he realised he was lying to survive, doubting his sanity, and teaching his children to walk on eggshells.

2. The tension

Speaking about male victimhood often invites backlash. The field is divisive, emotionally charged, and shaped by genuine trauma. He meets resistance from people who fear the spotlight will shift away from women.

3. The insight

Abuse is about power and manipulation, not gender alone. “Gaslighting” showed him how reality itself can be bent until the victim collapses inward.

4. The pivot

He chose transparency. He calls himself “an open book” and publicly shares his story, including in a TEDx talk, despite stigma.

5. The destination

A world where children understand boundaries, where “stop” is honoured, where victims — male or female — are not ashamed to seek help, and where gender conversations unite rather than divide.

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Five key takeaways and learning points

1. Abuse thrives where stereotypes are rigid.

So what? Question your assumptions about who looks like a victim — it may change who you listen to.

2. Shame is a powerful silencer.

So what? Make it easier, not harder, for men to speak about emotional pain.

3. Boundaries are a skill, not a personality trait.

So what? Teach and practise them intentionally — don’t assume people just “have” them.

4. Equality cannot be selective.

So what? Advocate for women and still create space for male suffering; the two are not opposites.

5. Children can learn respect early.

So what? Embedding “stop” and “enough” in childhood builds safer adults.

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Ten distinct ideas explained

1. The invisibility of male victims

Many men fear ridicule more than harm. When society equates masculinity with strength, vulnerability becomes taboo.

2. Gaslighting as psychological erosion

You begin fixing yourself for problems you didn’t create. Over time, certainty disappears.

3. The rollercoaster dynamic

Shifting between rage and fragility keeps families off balance — constantly adjusting to survive.

4. Integrity under threat

Victims may lie or hide small truths just to keep peace, which deepens self-blame.

5. Parent abuse by children

Violence from children to parents remains largely unspoken, adding layers of shame to already distressed families.

6. Narrative control in advocacy spaces

When one story dominates, others struggle for oxygen — even if both are valid.

7. Suicide and silent suffering

The overrepresentation of men in suicide statistics suggests emotional isolation has deadly consequences.

8. Saving face as a trap

Fear of looking weak can keep someone in harm’s way far longer than they should be.

9. Boundaries as self-respect in action

Naming a limit — and acting on it — requires courage and consequences.

10. Teaching consent through play

When children learn that “stop” really means stop, respect becomes reflex, not theory.

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How people should change as a result

1. Think

• Stop assuming abuse fits a script.
• Understand that emotional manipulation can be as damaging as physical violence.
• Recognise that supporting women does not require dismissing men.
• See boundaries as everyday tools, not dramatic ultimatums.
• Consider how shame shapes who feels allowed to speak.

2. Feel

• Move from scepticism to curiosity when a man discloses abuse.
• Shift from competition to compassion in gender conversations.
• Replace defensiveness with reflection.
• Allow discomfort — it often signals growth.
• Feel protective of all children’s dignity, not just some.

3. Act

• Practise saying and respecting “stop” and “enough” in your own life.
• Make your workplace or family conversations explicitly inclusive of male victims.
• Check in privately with men experiencing relationship distress — without jokes.
• Challenge gendered dismissals calmly and respectfully.
• Model healthy boundaries in front of children.
• Share support resources that apply to everyone, not just one group.
• Listen fully before correcting someone’s narrative.

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One thing to remember

No one should have to doubt their own reality just to survive at home.