Self-Forgiveness Is Tough

Lis Cashin joins Joanne Lockwood to explore why self-forgiveness can feel impossible when shame and guilt have taken hold for years. Lis shares the defining event of her childhood: at 13, during a school sports day javelin event, a tragic accident led to the death of a friend. With no trauma support at the time, Lis internalised blame, developed an identity-level shame, and spent decades punishing herself in ways that affected her relationships, health, and sense of worth.

The conversation follows Lis’s journey to finally getting the right help, including being diagnosed with PTSD years later after recognising herself in trauma narratives and seeking an assessment. Together they discuss what trauma can look like over time, why simply “changing mindset” may not be enough when the nervous system is involved, and how compassion, validation, and being listened to can be pivotal.

They also turn to what workplaces and leaders can do: create safer spaces for honest conversations, listen without judgement, avoid rushing to fix, and understand how power dynamics can make speaking up hard. The episode closes with practical signposting for getting support, and a clear message that struggling is human—and that recovery and self-compassion are possible.

One-sentence summary

Lis Cashin’s journey is a testament to the quiet courage it takes to stop punishing yourself for surviving — and to choose compassion over shame when the world has left you alone with the blame.

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Synopsis

Lis Cashin was thirteen when a school sports day ended in tragedy and her friend died after being struck by a javelin Lis had thrown. In the absence of trauma support, language for mental health, or anyone brave enough to truly talk about what had happened, Lis did what many traumatised children do — she made it her fault. Despite her friend’s family never blaming her, she internalised a harsher verdict: “I was evil.” What followed were decades shaped by shame, secrecy and self-punishment — destructive relationships, drug use, disordered eating, a sense of living outside her own life, as though behind glass. The world moved on; she stayed frozen at thirteen.

It was only years later — after speaking publicly, being retriggered by her own story, and reading about PTSD — that she finally received the diagnosis that made sense of her suffering. The revelation was seismic: she had done nothing wrong. The real work became forgiving herself not for the accident, but for the years she had rejected, criticised and abused herself in its aftermath. Now Lis is committed to eradicating shame, helping others understand trauma as something held in the body and nervous system, and teaching leaders and communities how to listen with compassion. She is building spaces where no one has to suffer in silence — and where being human is no longer a source of disgrace.

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10 Small, digestible concepts for easy learning

1. Children personalise chaos.

When something senseless happens, a child will often decide, “It must be me.”

2. Guilt says ‘I did wrong’; shame says ‘I am wrong’.

The second burrows into identity and is far harder to uproot.

3. Silence deepens shame.

When everyone looks but no one speaks, the burden grows heavier.

4. Trauma freezes time.

Without support, part of you can remain stuck at the age you were hurt.

5. Following instructions doesn’t equal blame.

Lis realised she had simply done what she was told; the system had failed them both.

6. Self-forgiveness isn’t always about the event.

Sometimes it’s about forgiving yourself for how you coped afterwards.

7. Compassion means ‘to suffer with’.

Healing began when Lis turned towards her thirteen-year-old self instead of rejecting her.

8. The body keeps the score.

You can’t mindset your way out of something stored in your nervous system.

9. Being heard can be enough.

You don’t have to fix someone — just validate that their experience is real.

10. Vulnerability is strength in disguise.

Saying “I need help” is an act of courage, not weakness.

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The “why” in the story

What they believe is true about people

Lis believes there is nothing wrong with being human. People struggle. People break. People internalise pain. And when truly understood, “there is never any shame.”

What they cannot unsee

She cannot unsee how easily silence, misdiagnosis and stigma can distort a life — or how many people are still “suffering in silence”, especially men taught that vulnerability is weakness.

What they are no longer willing to tolerate

She is no longer willing to tolerate the idea that shame is a private burden people must carry alone. Nor will she accept workplaces that promote technical skill over emotional literacy.

What they are trying to build instead

She is building trauma-aware, compassion-led spaces where leaders know how to listen, peers know how to validate, and individuals know that asking for help is allowed.

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Narrative structure

1. The trigger:

At thirteen, Lis threw a javelin. Her friend died four days later. No one openly blamed her — yet she blamed herself entirely. Years later, speaking publicly and being retraumatised by her own story led her to seek the PTSD diagnosis that reframed everything.

2. The tension:

The core conflict was internal: “I am evil.” Even kindness couldn’t reach her because it had “nowhere to land.” She longed to be seen, yet was terrified of being rejected if people knew.

3. The insight:

During trauma therapy she realised, with overwhelming clarity, “I didn’t do anything wrong.” The school had failed to ensure safety. She was an innocent child. The true devastation was how much she had punished herself since.

4. The pivot:

Self-forgiveness transformed into self-compassion. Instead of asking, “How could I?” she began saying, “I am so sorry for everything I’ve done to you” — speaking tenderly to her younger self.

5. The destination:

A world where leaders ask open questions, where managers listen without judgement, where men can admit pain without shame, and where people know they are not alone behind the glass.

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Five key takeaways and learning points

1. Unprocessed trauma doesn’t disappear — it buries itself.

So what: If you don’t address it, it may quietly shape decisions, relationships and self-worth for decades.

2. Validation is powerful medicine.

So what: Saying “I hear you” can reduce someone’s isolation more than offering advice.

3. Misdiagnosis doesn’t mean you’re broken.

So what: If support hasn’t worked, try again — the right help can change everything.

4. Self-compassion is teachable.

So what: You can learn to relate to yourself differently, even after years of self-criticism.

5. Leaders need support too.

So what: Organisations that care for managers’ wellbeing create safer environments for everyone.

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Ten distinct ideas explained

1. Innocence can be invisible.

Lis spent years excluding herself from the list of people entitled to safety. Trauma often blinds us to our own innocence.

2. Identity can calcify around pain.

Believing “I am wrong” reshapes behaviour, relationships and choices — often in self-destructive ways.

3. Silence communicates stigma.

When tragedy isn’t openly processed, it sends a message that the subject — and perhaps the person — is unspeakable.

4. Compassion reduces self-violence.

Turning towards her younger self softened the harsh internal dialogue that fuelled addiction and destructive patterns.

5. Trauma lives in the nervous system.

Without body-based support, positive thinking alone may feel like failure — deepening shame.

6. Shame thrives in secrecy.

The more Lis hid, the stronger the belief that she would be rejected if truly seen.

7. Being believed restores dignity.

Her GP’s apology on behalf of missed diagnosis was profoundly healing because it validated her experience.

8. Listening is leadership.

Managers don’t need perfect words — they need presence and curiosity.

9. Masculinity and silence are a dangerous mix.

Cultural conditioning can trap men in isolation, raising the stakes of unspoken distress.

10. Healing can create purpose.

Lis transformed tragedy into a commitment to prevent others from carrying unnecessary shame.

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How people should change as a result

1. Think

• Shift from “What’s wrong with them?” to “What might have happened to them?”
• Recognise that shame is often a sign of unresolved pain, not failure.
• Understand that trauma is physiological, not just psychological.
• Accept that not everything painful is someone’s fault.

2. Feel

• Move from judgement to curiosity.
• Replace disgust or discomfort with empathy.
• Swap guilt for responsibility where appropriate.
• Allow tenderness towards your younger self.
• Feel permitted to ask for help without humiliation.

3. Act

• Ask someone, “How are you — really?” and leave space for the answer.
• Validate before advising: “That sounds really hard.”
• If support hasn’t worked, seek a second opinion rather than giving up.
• Learn about trauma-informed approaches in your workplace.
• Offer leaders confidential spaces to process their own struggles.
• Check in on those who appear outwardly strong.
• Speak to your own inner critic with the kindness you would offer a child.

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One thing to remember

Self-forgiveness begins when you realise there was never anything wrong with you in the first place.