Lived Experience Identity
Joanne Lockwood is joined by Rebecca Engle, an autistic special education teacher, author, and advocate, for a candid conversation about what it has meant to grow up, study, and work while navigating autism. Rebecca reflects on early diagnosis, time spent in specialist provision, and later experiences of bullying and mistreatment—alongside the moment she began to understand her “difference” was often defined by other people’s reactions rather than her own sense of self.
They explore day-to-day realities including stimming, sensory overwhelm, communication differences, and the pressures of masking—at school, in relationships, and at work. Rebecca shares practical coping strategies and what has helped her build confidence and self-advocacy, including the role of supportive relationships and being open with her students about neurodiversity.
The discussion also widens to systems: how inclusion operates in US schools through IEPs and 504 plans, where it falls short, and why some behaviour-based approaches can push neurodivergent children towards compliance rather than genuine emotional regulation and autonomy. Rebecca makes the case for identity-affirming support, open dialogue, and environments that adapt—so neurodivergent people can thrive without having to hide who they are.
About Rebecca Engle
One-sentence summary
Rebecca Engle is fighting for a world where autistic children don’t learn to hide who they are to survive, but feel safe enough to grow as themselves.
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Synopsis
Rebecca Engle’s life began with questions. As a toddler, she wasn’t speaking. By four she was non-verbal; by five she had just 22 words. Professionals offered a stack of labels — developmental disorder, sensory processing disorder, speech apraxia — all now understood as autism. But what shaped Rebecca most wasn’t the diagnosis. It was what came after: mainstream classrooms where she felt manipulated, misunderstood, and increasingly aware that being “different” came at a cost. She remembers that shift around eleven — not because she changed, but because people started pointing out her differences. As she puts it, she wasn’t bothered by herself; she was bothered by how others interpreted her.
Now a special education teacher in Texas, Rebecca is determined that children like her don’t internalise shame as part of their education. She has lived the exhaustion of masking, the confusion of decoding neurotypical communication, and the embarrassment of being caught mid-stim. She refuses to let the next generation believe their regulation strategies are “bad behaviour” or that their worth depends on how well they perform normality. Through her teaching, advocacy and writing — including her children’s book Step Into My Shoes — she is working towards classrooms where neurodivergence is named, understood, and respected, not hidden behind closed doors.
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10 Small, digestible concepts for easy learning
1. You are not broken — you’re interpreted.
Rebecca realised the pain didn’t come from being different, but from how others reacted to her difference.
2. Communication is a two-way translation.
She still decodes neurotypical language daily — difference, not deficiency.
3. Stimming isn’t misbehaviour — it’s regulation.
What looks unusual is often a nervous system trying to stabilise itself.
4. Masking earns safety, but costs identity.
Being rewarded for “acting normal” teaches children to hide themselves.
5. A label can unlock protection.
Rebecca’s formal autism diagnosis gave her legal backing she didn’t previously have.
6. Inclusion without understanding is overwhelm.
Placing autistic children in noisy settings without support isn’t belonging.
7. Silence protects systems, not children.
Avoiding conversations about disability preserves discomfort, not dignity.
8. Children can handle the truth.
Nine-year-olds were able to explain autism to a peer when adults allowed it.
9. Reward systems shape identity.
When cookies are handed out for suppressing difference, children learn who they’re allowed to be.
10. Representation changes self-belief.
When Rebecca shows her students her own IEP, she makes survival visible.
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The “why” in the story
What they believe is true about people
Rebecca believes autistic children are whole as they are. Their behaviours are responses, not defects.
What they cannot unsee
She cannot unsee the harm of teaching children to mask for approval — being treated like a behaviour to manage rather than a person to understand.
What they are no longer willing to tolerate
She is no longer willing to sit quietly while systems reward suppression and call it progress.
What they are trying to build instead
She is building classrooms where neurodivergence is normalised, advocacy is taught early, and children don’t apologise for existing.
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Narrative structure
1. The trigger:
Years of being mistreated and misunderstood in mainstream education, alongside being told during teacher training that she was “too autistic” to teach.
2. The tension:
Working inside a system that says inclusion matters but still rewards compliance over authenticity.
3. The insight:
Behaviours others label as disruptive are often attempts to regulate and communicate.
4. The pivot:
She became the teacher she needed — open about her autism, vocal about inequities, and unapologetic about challenging harmful practises.
5. The destination:
A future where autistic children walk into classrooms already knowing they belong — without having to earn it.
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Five key takeaways and learning points
1. Belonging is not the same as being placed in the room.
So what: Inclusion without adaptation can intensify isolation and stress.
2. Shame often comes from social response, not identity.
So what: When we change our reactions, we change a child’s self-image.
3. Children deserve language for their experience.
So what: Naming neurodivergence empowers self-advocacy instead of secrecy.
4. Support systems can unintentionally train suppression.
So what: Question whether reward models reinforce conformity over wellbeing.
5. Adults model acceptance.
So what: When educators share their lived experience, children see possibility.
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Ten distinct ideas explained
1. Masking as survival
Masking can secure safety and approval, but long term it erodes self-trust and identity.
2. Stimming as communication
A flap, rock or finger tap often says, “I’m overloaded” or “I need stability.”
3. Overstimulation as invisible distress
Bright lights, noise, movement — what feels ordinary to one child can feel unbearable to another.
4. Diagnosis as protection
Without formal recognition, people can be denied reasonable adjustments and legal rights.
5. The myth of “normal” behaviour
Rewarding only neurotypical expression subtly tells others they are unacceptable.
6. Early silence, lifelong cost
Teaching children not to discuss disability fosters secrecy and isolation later on.
7. Peer understanding is powerful
When students are trusted with knowledge, empathy often follows naturally.
8. Inclusion isn’t neutral
Placement decisions shape stress levels, friendships and confidence.
9. Regulation before behaviour correction
Addressing the nervous system is more effective than punishing visible actions.
10. Seeing yourself reflected
When a teacher says, “I’m autistic too,” it reframes what’s possible.
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How people should change as a result
1. Think
- Move from “How do we fix this behaviour?” to “What is this behaviour telling us?”
- Replace “They need to adapt” with “What environment would help them thrive?”
- Understand that silence about disability is not neutrality — it’s avoidance.
- See diagnosis as empowerment, not limitation.
2. Feel
- Shift from discomfort to curiosity when you see difference.
- Move from pity to respect.
- Let go of defensiveness and lean into listening.
- Replace embarrassment with compassion — for others and yourself.
3. Act
- Normalise conversations about neurodivergence in classrooms and workplaces.
- Provide quiet spaces and sensory-friendly times where possible.
- Stop rewarding children for suppressing harmless regulation behaviours.
- Ask, “What do you need?” — and believe the answer.
- Educate peers, not just individuals, so responsibility is shared.
- Share stories of neurodivergent adults thriving visibly.
- Review reward systems to ensure they promote dignity, not compliance.
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One thing to remember
Autistic children don’t need to be trained into normality — they need to be understood into belonging.