Too Black To Be White, And Too White To Be Black

Holly Straker-Humphreys reflects on growing up as a mixed-race woman in predominantly white spaces, and the long process of becoming comfortable “in the middle” of two worlds. She shares how subtle signals—especially around Afro hair, media representation, and workplace norms—shaped her sense of identity and belonging, even without overt racism.

From there, the conversation widens into what inclusion looks like in practice at work. Holly talks about the importance of community, mentoring and finding managers and peers who amplify your voice, alongside the pressures that come with being “the only one in the room.” Joanne and Holly explore psychological safety, the fear of getting it wrong, and how inclusion professionals can create spaces where leaders can learn without defensiveness while still being challenged.

They also critique common organisational approaches to DEI, including over-reliance on employee resource groups and token “exec sponsors” without the infrastructure, strategy, metrics and shared leadership accountability to make change stick. The episode closes with reflections on the emotional toll of inclusion work, the need for resilience and support networks, and how both personal lived experience and organisational systems have to shift if inclusion is to move beyond performative activity.

One-sentence summary

Holly Straker-Humphreys is learning to live comfortably in the space between worlds — and is using her hard-won confidence to make sure no one else has to shrink themselves to belong.

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Synopsis

Holly Straker-Humphreys grew up moving between two cultural worlds: the middle-class, predominantly white environment of North Leeds and the vibrant, deeply rooted Barbadian-Caribbean family life of her mother’s side. On paper, she describes a “wonderful” childhood — opportunity, education, support. But internally, something didn’t quite settle. She was “too white to be Black and too Black to be white”, often the only visibly different person in a countryside pub, and later gently teased for her accent or upbringing at family gatherings. Nothing overtly hostile. Just subtle misalignments. A sense that she existed somewhere in the middle without a clear place to land.

It took her nearly 30 years to feel fully comfortable in her own skin. Hair became a quiet battleground — straightened for interviews, rarely seen celebrated in the media she consumed as a child, subtly coded as something to “fight” or “tame”. And yet, instead of closing inwards, Holly built outward. She found her people, found her voice in corporate rooms, and began using her position — as a mixed-race woman in senior leadership — to open doors wider for others. What matters to her is dignity: that nobody has to minimise themselves to succeed, that perspectives are listened to before they are judged, and that systems stop asking the marginalised to fix the very barriers they endure.

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10 Small, digestible concepts for easy learning

1. Belonging is not about having a perfect childhood — it’s about feeling fully seen.

You can have privilege and opportunity and still feel misaligned inside.

2. Subtle exclusion can cut deeper than overt hostility.

When nothing explicit is said, you can start to question your own reality.

3. Hair is never just hair.

For many people, it carries identity, history and whether they feel acceptable.

4. Representation is responsibility — and weight.

Being “the only one” means carrying more than your own performance.

5. Perspective changes everything.

Understanding someone’s context can dismantle years of quiet judgement.

6. Your difference is information, not a flaw.

When voiced, it often turns into value.

7. Safe spaces build brave voices.

Confidence often starts with a “girl gang” behind you.

8. Policies don’t change culture — people do.

Structures matter, but everyday behaviours decide whether someone thrives.

9. Inclusion without resource is performance.

Marginalised groups should not be expected to fix systems for free.

10. Doing the right thing and making business sense are not opposites.

When dignity is centred, outcomes improve naturally.

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The “why” in the story

What they believe is true about people

Holly believes most people are shaped by the air they breathe — their upbringing, class, culture, media. When they act insensitively, it is often ignorance, not malice. Given perspective and space to reflect, people can change.

What they cannot unsee

She cannot unsee the psychological weight of subtle exclusion — the small accumulations that make a child feel “not quite right”, the burden of being the first and only, or the unspoken code of how to look and sound to be taken seriously.

What they are no longer willing to tolerate

She is no longer willing to tolerate the idea that marginalised people must quietly adapt, straighten, shrink or fix the system in their spare time.

What they are trying to build instead

She is building environments where difference is normalised, safe conversations replace silent fear, and belonging is felt — not just written in a strategy document.

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Narrative structure

1. The trigger

Years of small misalignments — the school swimming trips where her hair was a logistical burden, the adverts framing “frizz” as a problem, the straightened hair for interviews. Add to that standing in executive rooms where she could feel people’s assumptions before she spoke.

2. The tension

She exists between gratitude for her privilege and awareness of what still felt missing. She feels pride in being visible, but also the pressure of representing an entire community. She wants leaders to learn, but knows how quickly conversations can tip into defensiveness or fear.

3. The insight

Perspective is transformative. Meeting her husband, who grew up in a very different socioeconomic reality, dismantled her own assumptions. She realised inclusion must stretch beyond race alone — class, disability, opportunity all intersect.

4. The pivot

Instead of downplaying her identity, she leaned into it. She challenged brands that dismissed Afro hair. She used her voice in meetings. She actively built support networks and mentored others. She decided that her difference was an asset.

5. The destination

A future where a young mixed-race girl doesn’t need 30 years to feel settled inside herself. Where leaders don’t fear getting it wrong because humility replaces pride. Where no one has to “prove everything wrong” just to be taken seriously.

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Five key takeaways and learning points

1. You can be privileged and still feel displaced.

So what: Do not dismiss someone’s struggle because their life looks comfortable on paper.

2. Silence doesn’t mean safety.

So what: Pay attention to subtle cultural signals — what is celebrated, what is joked about, what is straightened or softened to fit in.

3. We all need someone who has our back.

So what: Build support circles deliberately; confidence is rarely solo.

4. You cannot outsource inclusion to the marginalised.

So what: If you benefit from the system, you share responsibility for changing it.

5. Perspective is learned, not inherited.

So what: Seek conversations that disrupt your assumptions — they make you better.

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Ten distinct ideas explained

1. Living between worlds

Being mixed heritage can mean constant translation — adjusting speech, behaviour and expectations depending on the room.

2. The psychological weight of “onlyness”

When you are the only one like you, performance feels amplified — mistakes feel communal, not individual.

3. Hair as coded professionalism

Workplaces rarely name it, but aesthetic norms often mirror white standards, quietly shaping who feels “correct”.

4. Privilege within marginalisation

Holly recognises her light skin, accent and education gave her advantages others may not have — intersectionality complicates neat narratives.

5. Socioeconomic invisibility

Class often goes unspoken in inclusion conversations, yet profoundly affects access, confidence and aspiration.

6. Safe challenge over public shaming

Real change often happens in trusted relationships, where leaders can ask questions without fear of attack.

7. Representative fatigue

The emotional cost of being the visible example — knowing your misstep may reinforce stereotypes.

8. Mentorship as healing

Guiding others from minority backgrounds gives back to the younger version of herself who needed visible reassurance.

9. Self-care as sustainability

Escapist television, long walks, and trusted networks are not indulgences — they are protective strategies.

10. Inclusion as cultural redesign

Hiring difference without changing culture is like placing new plants in toxic soil — they won’t flourish.

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How people should change as a result

1. Think

Move from “Did anything bad happen?” to “Did you feel you belonged?”
See subtle comments as cumulative, not trivial.
Recognise class as part of the inclusion picture.
Understand that representation carries unseen pressure.
Accept that you have blind spots shaped by your environment.

2. Feel

Shift from defensiveness to curiosity.
From guilt to responsibility.
From fear of getting it wrong to willingness to learn.
From scepticism about emotional impact to empathy for lived experience.
From competition over suffering to shared humanity.

3. Act

Ask someone about their experiences without debating them.
Audit language — in marketing, policy and everyday speech — for hidden assumptions.
Fund inclusion work properly; don’t rely on voluntary labour.
Build reciprocal mentoring relationships across difference.
Call in rather than call out when you can — create room to grow.
Celebrate difference visibly, not just privately.
Prioritise mental health support for those tasked with leading inclusion.

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One thing to remember

No one should have to straighten who they are to be taken seriously.

About Holly Straker-Humphreys