Lived Experience Identity
Kat Kibben joins Joanne Lockwood to explore what it means to hide and “unhide” at work, and the personal cost of living with two versions of yourself. Kat reflects on growing up in a military family, navigating conservative workplaces, and the repeated process of coming out—first as a lesbian and later as trans/nonbinary—while trying to protect their career and personal safety.
The conversation covers the practical and emotional realities of being visibly trans while travelling the US in van life: constant risk assessment, fear around using public bathrooms, and the exhaustion that builds from sustained hypervigilance. They also discuss identity, socialisation, the validation (and complications) of being perceived differently, and how safety and supportive environments enable people to live authentically.
Alongside lived experience, Kat connects these themes to their professional work: teaching organisations to write clearer, more honest job postings that reduce bias and widen access. They unpack how common hiring “requirements” and language choices create psychological barriers (including gendered application patterns), and argue that telling the truth about the role and focusing on real experiences can improve equity and outcomes for both employers and candidates.
About Kat Kibben
One-sentence summary
Kat Kibben’s message is simple and fierce: when we stop hiding who we are, we don’t just free ourselves — we make it safer for someone else to stay alive.
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Synopsis
Kat Kibben is someone who has spent a lifetime learning how to fit in — an army brat who moved 13 times before finishing school, a person who became “a professional fit-inner” just to survive. Growing up in a military family where being gay was forbidden and being trans wasn’t even spoken about, Kat internalised the belief that there were two versions of them: the one who could go to work and the one who could exist at home. For years, they prioritised being “good” — good at work, good at fitting in, good enough not to cause discomfort. They cut their hair, wore pink shirts, played the part. And yet, under it all, there was a quiet knowing. “If there’s a gap between who you think you are at work and who you think you are at home,” Kat says, “there’s often a gap in success too.”
What Kat is trying to change isn’t just how employers write job adverts. It’s the deeper culture that makes people edit themselves in order to feel safe. They’ve lived the exhaustion of fear — rushing out of a public bathroom, scanning rooms for threat, navigating the world with a constant calculation of risk. They’ve also tasted what it feels like to be seen — to be called “sir” for the first time and realise how differently the world opens up. Kat’s work, whether it’s helping companies tell the truth in recruitment or speaking openly about their transition, is about dignity. It’s about access. It’s about making sure fewer young people are left asking themselves the question: Does it matter if I’m here?
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10 Small, digestible concepts for easy learning
1. You can be good at your job and still be hiding.
Professional success cannot fill the gap created by pretending.
2. Fear is exhausting, even when no one else sees it.
The constant mental calculation of safety drains more than we admit.
3. Fitting in is a survival skill — not a personality trait.
When you’ve moved 13 times, belonging becomes a performance.
4. Validation has a physical feeling.
The right pronoun can resonate like a struck bell inside your body.
5. Privilege is sometimes something you only notice when you gain it.
Being treated as a white man changed how strangers moved around Kat.
6. Rules feel real until you ask who made them.
Most of what constrains our joy is inherited, not inevitable.
7. Honesty creates access.
In recruitment and in identity, telling the truth invites the right people in.
8. Hiding splits your energy.
What you spend on masking cannot be spent on thriving.
9. Living out loud isn’t about attention — it’s about permission.
Visibility gives someone else a different story to hold onto.
10. Workplaces shape lives far beyond work.
If you hate where you spend forty hours a week, it touches everything.
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The “why” in the story
What they believe is true about people
People want to matter. They want to know their existence makes a difference — that someone would notice if they were gone.
What they cannot unsee
They cannot unsee the statistic that every 45 seconds an LGBTQ+ young person attempts suicide. Or the quieter truth beneath it — the question “Does it matter if I’m here?”
What they are no longer willing to tolerate
Systems that force people to pretend. Recruitment practices that screen out talent through bias. Cultures that call someone “brave” while ignoring the fear that made bravery necessary.
What they are trying to build instead
Spaces — at work and beyond — where people can tell the truth about who they are and what they need, and still belong.
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Narrative structure
1. The trigger:
Early corporate life, when mentioning a date named Stacy led to immediate assumptions. Later, the exhaustion of hiding. Later still, sitting in a pharmacy arguing over incorrect hormone supplies and realising anger could become advocacy.
2. The tension:
The persistent fear — in bathrooms, in boardrooms, in daily interactions — and the pressure to be “good” rather than real. The pull between safety and visibility.
3. The insight:
“If there’s a gap between who you are at work and who you are at home, there’s often a gap in success.” Hiding doesn’t protect your potential; it drains it.
4. The pivot:
Starting their own business. Putting pronouns on profiles. Travelling the country in a van. Separating self-worth from performance: the work can fail; that doesn’t mean I am a failure.
5. The destination:
A world where living out loud isn’t considered bravery — because safety is assumed. Where honesty is normal, and belonging is not rationed.
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Five key takeaways and learning points
1. Hiding has a cost.
So what: The energy used to mask identity could instead power creativity, leadership and connection.
2. Safety is the foundation of performance.
So what: When people feel safe, they contribute fully — not partially.
3. Honesty reduces bias.
So what: Clear, truthful descriptions of work help people see themselves in opportunities.
4. Privilege can change perspective.
So what: Experiencing different forms of social treatment reveals how uneven the rules are.
5. Visibility saves lives.
So what: Representation gives someone else a future they didn’t know was possible.
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Ten distinct ideas explained
1. The exhaustion of fear
Fear isn’t always dramatic; sometimes it’s hurrying out of a bathroom. Over time, that vigilance reshapes your nervous system.
2. The split self
Presenting one identity at work and another at home creates a quiet fracture. The strain shows up as burnout, anxiety or stagnation.
3. White male privilege as lived experience
When Kat was first read as male, doors opened — literally and metaphorically. The contrast exposed how differently society allocates ease.
4. Social conditioning and gender
Being raised as a girl meant being taught to be accommodating and quiet. Transition required unlearning and rebuilding.
5. Permission as a psychological lock
Many of us wait for approval to live differently. Often, the only lock is belief.
6. Van life as metaphor
Constant movement forced presence. Without the safety of hiding indoors, living became deliberate.
7. Recruitment bias as emotional barrier
Long requirement lists quietly whisper, “You don’t belong.” That whisper is enough to stop talent applying.
8. Truth as a competitive advantage
Clear, honest language doesn’t exclude more people — it invites the right ones.
9. Being “good” versus being fulfilled
External achievement cannot replace internal alignment.
10. Hope as shared responsibility
When someone visible thrives, it challenges the inevitability of despair.
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How people should change as a result
1. Think
- Stop seeing identity as separate from performance; they are intertwined.
- Recognise that “professionalism” often masks conformity.
- Question rules that shrink people — ask who benefits from them.
- Understand that bias is often psychological, not just verbal.
- View visibility as a form of service, not ego.
2. Feel
- Move from discomfort to curiosity about experiences unlike your own.
- Shift from admiration of “bravery” to commitment to safety.
- Replace defensiveness with humility when confronted with bias.
- Feel compassion for the exhaustion others carry silently.
- Allow hope to feel practical, not naive.
3. Act
- Use someone’s correct name and pronouns — consistently.
- Shorten requirement lists to essentials; describe experiences, not pedigree.
- Ask people privately what makes them feel safe at work.
- Challenge jokes or comments that question someone’s legitimacy.
- Publicly support inclusive policies — don’t leave it to those affected.
- Share stories that widen what’s possible.
- Separate feedback on work from judgements about identity.
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One thing to remember
When someone stops hiding, they don’t just change their own life — they make it easier for someone else to believe theirs is worth living.